June 1st, 2012 I turned 40 years old. Ever since I was a teenager, I would spend time on my birthday to reflect about my life. Often the thoughts were, what I have accomplished, what do I still need to learn and how will the rest of my existence be drawn out.
We are all struggling human beings just trying to make our way in this world the best way each of us knows how; through trial and error. Some are looking for happiness, while others simply want to hold on to what is dear to us. For most of my life I thought it was important that people understood who I was. What my story was to be told, why I think and act a certain way. I thought if people truly knew the real Michael then somehow they would accept me as I am with all of my flaws because I am human just like them. They would see this quiet introspective individual has the same hopes and dreams but instead thinks about the spoken word carefully before releasing into the air for all to grab hold of. I thought their acceptance, their love, their friendship was all I needed to validate my own existence. I placed aside my own desires and made theirs a priority. But I realize now, it is okay to live in my own skin built by life experiences, scars, warts, and all. I don't feel the need to constantly explain my actions, or justify my behavior. If I feel sad, angry or happy I will express it. As Popeye says, I am what I am and that's all that I am. Whether I am fat, skinny, young or old, rich or poor, doesn't matter that much anymore how I am classified. Because one thing is true, this is me! As much as I fight my demons of loneliness, against the desire for inner peace, they are a part of me to love and accept. It is a constant tug of war between the past and present; the good Inside of me versus my self-destructive behavior.
The one true constant in my life is love. The ability to give love, and share what gifts I have to offer. I know. It sounds like a hallmark card but it is true. It is okay I am flawed imperfect human being but I know love. I learned what sacrifice meant from my sister that died unexpectedly, I finally understood the patience required from my father as I constantly "tested" his resolve to love and the strength from mom to endure life's difficult journey no matter what hand you are dealt. I also need to learn to love myself as much as I love others.
It is strange to be an introvert living in an extroverted world but you know I don't think I would have it any other way. It definitely is a challenge each day to meet new people and make friends, but once the connection is made, a bond stronger than cement makes it worth the discomfort involved. I don't know anymore what my future holds, how long I'll be here on this planet to have these moments to reflect, or if anyone will be around later to read them. This is my life, perfectly flawed. And Gilda Radner once said, “I wanted a perfect ending. Now I've learned, the hard way, that some poems don't rhyme, and some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle, and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what's going to happen next. Delicious Ambiguity.” This qoute sums up my life.
Maybe one day it will all make sense. Until then I'll grab my plastic yellow rubber duck, round arm floaters and swim in the muck.
We are all struggling human beings just trying to make our way in this world the best way each of us knows how; through trial and error. Some are looking for happiness, while others simply want to hold on to what is dear to us. For most of my life I thought it was important that people understood who I was. What my story was to be told, why I think and act a certain way. I thought if people truly knew the real Michael then somehow they would accept me as I am with all of my flaws because I am human just like them. They would see this quiet introspective individual has the same hopes and dreams but instead thinks about the spoken word carefully before releasing into the air for all to grab hold of. I thought their acceptance, their love, their friendship was all I needed to validate my own existence. I placed aside my own desires and made theirs a priority. But I realize now, it is okay to live in my own skin built by life experiences, scars, warts, and all. I don't feel the need to constantly explain my actions, or justify my behavior. If I feel sad, angry or happy I will express it. As Popeye says, I am what I am and that's all that I am. Whether I am fat, skinny, young or old, rich or poor, doesn't matter that much anymore how I am classified. Because one thing is true, this is me! As much as I fight my demons of loneliness, against the desire for inner peace, they are a part of me to love and accept. It is a constant tug of war between the past and present; the good Inside of me versus my self-destructive behavior.
The one true constant in my life is love. The ability to give love, and share what gifts I have to offer. I know. It sounds like a hallmark card but it is true. It is okay I am flawed imperfect human being but I know love. I learned what sacrifice meant from my sister that died unexpectedly, I finally understood the patience required from my father as I constantly "tested" his resolve to love and the strength from mom to endure life's difficult journey no matter what hand you are dealt. I also need to learn to love myself as much as I love others.
It is strange to be an introvert living in an extroverted world but you know I don't think I would have it any other way. It definitely is a challenge each day to meet new people and make friends, but once the connection is made, a bond stronger than cement makes it worth the discomfort involved. I don't know anymore what my future holds, how long I'll be here on this planet to have these moments to reflect, or if anyone will be around later to read them. This is my life, perfectly flawed. And Gilda Radner once said, “I wanted a perfect ending. Now I've learned, the hard way, that some poems don't rhyme, and some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle, and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what's going to happen next. Delicious Ambiguity.” This qoute sums up my life.
Maybe one day it will all make sense. Until then I'll grab my plastic yellow rubber duck, round arm floaters and swim in the muck.
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