The first annual city art show is nearly upon us. After much long deliberation I choose four photographs to submit. There is a particular reason and theme behind what will be displayed. Each one invokes strong emotional reaction for me. I did not pick them because I thought they would amaze my viewing audience but rather that each one has a story. The image captures only a glimpse into a particular moment but it is a memory full of emotion that is etched into my subconscious mind forever. I hope you will enjoy and view critically as I have about that thought provoking moment. Where I was when I took the photo? What I was thinking and feeling as i firmly pressed down on the camera button? What does this say to me as a viewer other than the superficial beauty? Art which translates to love and passion has influenced my life.
I have had a 3 year and a 10 year relationship. So commitment has never been an issue. After those relationships ended I never harbored ill will towards them. In fact I will always be available if they ever need me.
A while back a friend asked me why I thought relationships failed. I could have given a DR Phil sound bite answer. Fall out of love, infidelity, etc. But those are easy answers. The real truth is not always so simple. We are complex beings that engage in organic relationships which continuously change in some form or another. We start off in one direction and end up in another. It is neither black and white or cut and dry. We are evolving and developing. So why is it so hard to be open and honest with our feelings?
Love is weird emotion. It is nice to feel love from a woman. The way she looks at you with those big inviting eyes they say, "welcome home!". The way she smiles warmly at your presence. The way your body warmly tingles as she holds you tight with both arms when you embrace. You feel love. You know love. You understand its meaning and effect.
Now comes the dichotomy. She no longer loves you. The big eyes now become empty blank stares at you like, "Yea, What the fuck you want?". You become another face in the crowd to her. She no longer holds you tight with both hands for a hug. It now becomes an one arm hand pat on the back when you hug and you feel the body as a cold chill. It is weird to see a woman filed with love and joy in your presence become contempt and annoyed. Has she forgot all the wonderful moments? You think, is this the same person i once knew?
You try to process an understanding of both emotions in order to reconcile them together. She was hot, now cold. She is both. She turned off for you and on for another. She possesses two of the same qualities. It is a side show you have never seen before. Once she used to hear your words as beautiful thoughts. She flipped a switch. Now your words are meaningless and forgettable. She is Bipartite. But you fail to understand this duality of the woman.
She is not like you that remains constant with thoughts. Constant with feeling. Constant with love. If you met five years later she wouldn't feel different yet you remain the same. Why is it only me consumed in huger for the thought of understanding? The thoughts overwhelm your desire for serenity. Over the years you remained constant in your love for those that once loved you. All the memories have faded but the loved remained. Like a lighthouse beacon shining a guiding light across the vast open sea of darkness so that one day love can find its way back to the safety and comfort of home.
Yesterday I was shopping for dog food at Petsmart. I had a wave of warm energy wash over me. This feeling of completeness, being one with myself and whole sensation of love I haven't felt in a long time. I hadn't ingested any drugs, nor had i eaten my favorite meal of chocolate bars on chocolate on chocolate cake on chocolate syrup. This was a natural high that comes from being in the moment, really enjoying the feeling. It wasn't induced by outside forces of girl flipping her hair and winking at me. This was simply perfection. It was the Nirvana that i lay up at night dreaming about. Wondering when, where and how i will be presented with true inner wisdom and comfort. There is no other moment that can fully describe the Love i feel and express within myself. During these fleeting minutes i wish my Dad was here to share in such a wonderful event.
One way I deal with frustration and pain is to write. It also helps me to deal with the loss of a love or heartache. Writing is my form of expression. Rarely do I write for others to see. The reason I do that is so that I have complete freedom to be open and honest. When I write to myself I don’t hide anything. I am able to release the emotion chains that hold me down in a dark isolated cell. It doesn't matter if it is a cliché. It is my journey and my experience.
I will cherish the time we spent together because they were wonder moments you shared with me. I would not ask to change or forget the days we knew each other. Thank you for being a special part of my life.
For the past 5 weeks I have been dealing with an illness on my own. It has been frustrating at times to say the least. Anyway the combination of my illness and other personal events lead me to write to an old friend. Well, she’s not old in the sense of age but rather I have known her for a good amount of time. Up to that point it had been several months since we last spoke. I wrote to her not thinking she would even write back but she did. Not only did she write back with concern about my well-being, she even made me laugh with her wonderful dog stories. She patiently listened to me complaining about being sick. I also spoke of my disappointments over friendships that were lost. She didn’t have to write back or listen. She could have said she was too busy with work, family, etc. But no, she spent a few minutes out of her day to lift up my spirits. No matter what disagreements we had in the past she has always been there for me. She told me she would always be my friend and has remained true to her words. Her kindness has remained constant over time. No matter where our lives lead us she would never turn down my request for help or to listen. If I called up one of my ex’s and told them I needed to talk, they would laugh at such a request.
It is nice to find one constant in this world. That is a friend that will always be there for you in time of need.
Each of us is on a journey that is unique and special. We are here to learn, grow and develop. Sometimes the lessons along the way can be painful. Often it is the difficult ones that teach us the most. When I look back to where I was 10 years ago to where I am today, I would have not believed the path I was going to take which lead me to this place. The people we meet along the way which we share our lives with will impact us in some way. Her constant kindness is a blessing which has impacted me.
Respect means a lot of different thing to people. For me I suppose it means, every human being needs to feel and deserves to be respected. I try to understand everyone has a different perspective and unique feelings. I can take their feelings into consideration and see that they have value. I treat other people the way I want to be treated. I never intentionally set out to ridicule, embarrass or hurt other people.
Today I was having a discussion with someone about a health problem I've had over the past month. I relayed to this person what I believe was the cause of it. Well he immediately started to verbally bash a particular individual that I mentioned. He was angry over our discussion. I never really understood why he had a problem with XYZ before. He never liked her. He continued on to belittle XYZ and said many untruthful things. In the past when he said distasteful words about XYZ, I always stood up and defended her name because the comments were untrue.
XYZ had done some hurtful things to me which i should be angry about but i still didn't feel like they deserved to be treated in a demeaning way. This time I suppose it was different. It was different because I was no longer friends with them. Although we don't stay in contact anymore I still have protected her name and corrected people that made false allegations about XYZ. He couldn't understand why I was doing that. After all I went through he thought i would be angry and go along with the name calling. But I couldn't. At that moment I felt conflicted. Why was I protecting and standing up for someone that obviously couldn't care less about me. We have no interaction with each other and didn't part on good terms. So why was I still saying nice things about someone that clearly doesn't respect me? Why was I protecting her image? Was I wrong to show a little respect?
In my heart I know being angry and vindictive does nothing to foster peace. In light of all that has happened I still am considerate of their feelings. Does this make me weak? Should I have agreed with the lies even though I'm not friends with her anymore? It clearly had me puzzled. Then I realized it is not in my nature to carry on being disrespectful to someone just because I felt that they mistreated me. As much as I want to say "yea, you deserve it!”,I can't. In respecting someone that is has hurt me I learned to cherish my own feelings. Right or wrong no one deserves to be lied about.