What do cupcakes and ex’s have in common? A lot! Let me
explain.

Eating sugary treats on an empty stomach has always made me sick.  Recently I ate a few cupcakes for breakfast and didn’t feel well afterwards. So, why would I eat them on an empty stomach when I know I will feel bad afterwards?

The answer is simple: I love Cupcakes!

Let’s start this with another question. Is it possible to remain friends with someone that you once were intimate with after the relationship ends? I have met a few women in my life that remained friends with their ex’s
despite my disbelief it was possible. In my past experience and disappointment it never has turned out positive. The last woman I dated; however, caused me to reexamine my belief system on remaining friends with ex’s. It caused me to rethink if it could be possible but even if was, the more importantly question
was “should I?”

My last relationship ended as amicable as possible as could be expected from a break up. I still care for her well-being and miss the long talks we had together (although it was mostly her talking since I am the quiet one.). I had difficulty letting go because of the strong feelings and the wonderful moments we shared together which were hard to forget. I learned a lot from this woman.  How often can you truly say that about someone you date? I met her at a crucial point in my life when my frustrations were high and my hope was depleted. She restored my faith in what it meant to be in love and that it was possible to find someone which a strong connection could be established despite the obstacles between us.  
 
Realistically I can see that as two people separate and forms new lives sometimes the old ones fade away. This is the natural course and yet I still want to hold onto that special friend that gave me so
much.

At first glance it seems like a nice idea, to remain friends with an ex-lover because you shared a good portion of your life with them and separated peacefully. In some form that love we shared will always exist. How
many of us can even say we ended a relationship without hurt and anger?  Of course reality and my imagination are often on two different paths far apart as my parents consistently reminded me
growing up.

There is a potential dark side to remaining friends with your ex-lover. As time passes, those good memories that were once special slowly start to erode and become replaced with something new.  Those passionate moments will be gradually filled with new and unpleasant thoughts. You Ex no longer call as often with the sweet words that once made your heart skip a beat so you become resentful. Their thoughts and future plans
are towards someone else that doesn’t involve you. Although you genuinely want them to be happy, it is difficult when your ex talks about loving a new person. Or maybe one person wants to get back together while the other has permanently moved on.

It is painful to lose someone that you love but even more painful to stay with someone that no longer wants to love you in the way you have grown to expect. 

If you read my previous blogs you will understand the power of closing doors and the psychological impact it has on us when we try to shut one.

I realized, I didn’t want to give up an Ex I loved despite the stomachache I got from it. There was always a small amount of hope we would rekindle the connection.  Sometimes the things we love the most aren’t good for us; like eating cupcakes on an empty stomach for breakfast.
 
"People will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel." ~ Maya Angelou

I often hear from friends immediately “long distance  relationships don’t work”, when I mention that I met someone online.  Why start a relationship with someone that lives so far away from you. While it is  true that they are inherently more difficult to develop because there is no  physical intimacy, such as hugging, kissing, and playful touching. You also miss out on the body language and seeing how the other behaves around strangers when out in public.  i.e. are they friendly to a waiter at a restaurant.

Despite those shortcomings of a LDR there are benefits. You get to know your potential mates personality and character first rather than focusing entirely on their physical beauty. You spend the large majority of time learning about the other person’s interests and if you  are compatible instead of “wow she has a great ass!” Second, I see this all too often. People complain there are no available great singles in their 5 mile area from their house. Wake up people! Expand your search! Look beyond your front porch! We live in a modern age of travel and communication. You can hop on a plane and reach the other side of the world with relative ease. You can video conference, text and email.  Finally if it doesn’t work out, you
don’t have to worry about running into them at your gym or favorite hangout spot; none of those awkward moments of bumping into them unexpectedly.

So at this point you are probably thinking, “Mike you have convinced me that LDRs sound like the best thing invented since warm almond bread, but why don’t they ever work out?” When two people are perpetually apart it takes constant vigilance to resolve conflicts, and to maintain intimacy. It is important that both people stay in constant communication. While dating someone in your own city that may not be the case since you will see each other at the end of the day. In long distance relationships it is extremely important. Again, you are not physically near each other so it important to maintain a sense of normal behavior. And of course like any relationship it could be possible that you are just not compatible for each other. Opposing values, beliefs, or goals are common reasons for failure. Sometimes small misunderstanding can lead to larger
issues. That part is no different from any relationship. So, with good communication and a little patience you can have something special that you were unable to find before in your local grocery produce section. An example of good communication is using ALL forms of technology available to interact such as text, email, phone, video, etc, and not strictly relying on one way as the primary solution. Common goals and interests to share as to what kind of life you expect when together is another area to discuss. Long distance relationships are tough to manage without a goal or end in sight. There has to be a finish line to cross after time spent apart. This is the most important aspect I believe, to have a finish line that both of you can cross together to say, “We did it”. There has to be a solution the two of you can agree upon to actively move towards in order to finally be together. 
 
I have had a few long distance relationships. Although they didn’t end the way we planned, I believe in the end it was worth the time and effort to be a part of their life. I loved them dearly and will carry those warm thoughts with me forever.